This post might be a bit of a personal ramble because I don’t quite know how to say what I want to say, but I want to say it anyway. I’ve been going through a bit of depression lately and it’s been weighing on me quite a bit. I like to use my blog as a way to think out loud, so I figured I’d take a crack at writing about what I’ve been going through.
Aside from the culturally shared things to be depressed about this year (e.g., the monsters in the US government and the adult voting population who elected them), I’ve personally had a hard time with my move to Ottawa. I miss my old home much more than I anticipated, and feel out of place here (it’s especially weird to be back in my home country but not really feel home).
My friends here, both new and old, have been nothing short of amazing. They’ve been endlessly kind, warm and welcoming. But my out-of-placeness has made me feel kind of withdrawn and lonely, and I feel like I’ve been a bad friend because of it. The irony of this situation is not lost on me.
Lately, everything just feels hard. The days are short and lately, extremely cold (-20°C for the past week). I’ve been sick on and off for the last month. And things I normally enjoy, like reading and working on my side project Beach have become quite a struggle (which of course makes me feel guilty).
Life is far from all bad, thankfully. My partner has been incredibly supportive and helpful; she is my rock. As previously mentioned, my friends here have been so good to me too, which really does make a big difference. I’ve had lots of support from non-local friends and family, too. And I’ve done my best to hold on to the things I enjoy and not be too hard on myself when I struggle, because I know it’ll get better.
I’m looking forward to some things coming up in the Spring. The days are getting slightly longer, the cold will get warmer (…eventually…). I will, I will struggle less with reading and working on my projects as time goes on. It’ll just take time.
Anyway, I hope this was helpful for you, because it was helpful for me.